Tonight We Feast on Troll Meat

Transcription:

I'll gather round ye daft eejits and lend yer lug, for I've got a wild tale to share o' Kevin and Lance's latest utter stupidity. This time, our lovable numpties decided they needed a wee holiday, so they hopped aboat to the Norselands, thinkin' they'd find adventure and maybe a bit o' the old liquid courage along the way. Upon arriving, they stumbled upon a pack of Aelves, and no shy ones either. These wee lads and lassies were dressed in leafy garb that looked like they'd raided the local garden centre. Seamus O'Shalele must have had some distant relatives among them, for they greeted Kevin and Lance with a right cheer. Aye, come hike with us. We'll show ye the hills and valleys of our homeland. They giggled, promising a bit o' magic and fun. Naturally, our heroes were up for anything, so they traipsed off into the wilds, laughing and shouting, making all sorts of racket. Look at this! Kevin shouted, tripping o'er a rock and landing face-first in a patch of mud. Get yourself off the ground, ye silly bampot. You'll be collecting mushrooms if ye keep that up. Lance roared, his laughter echoing through the valleys. But as the sun began to set, they came upon a dark cave, shadows shifting ominously in the entrance. An out-stomped a massive troll, twice the size of a bloody double-decker bus, with foul breath and skin like rotten leather. Who dares disturb me slumber, the troll bellowed, scratching his hairy belly, and giving the lads a glare that could turn milk sour. Oh, bloody hell, Kevin whimpered, nearly shitting his kilt. But Lance, being in the bold Egypt he is, shouted back, we're here for a good scrap, ye foul beast, and maybe a wee bit o' troll meat for dinner, if you're up for it. And thus began the epic battle, and oh aye, it was a right mess. The elves pulled out all kinds of trickery, flashing their wee hands and conjuring spells, while Kevin grabbed a fallen branch, swinging it like a madman. Stick your boot in it, Lance. Yep, throwing mud at the troll's face. The troll, enraged, swung a massive fist, but Lance ducked, letting out a fart so loud even the elves paused, stifling giggles with their hands. Need time for that, ye mucky bugger? Lance snickered. The fight raged on, and just when it looked like the troll was about to turn them all into a stew, the elves cast a spell that turned the troll's own shadow against him. Now, they cried, letting loose a volley of enchanted stones. One shot hit the troll square in the gob, making him stumble back and gnash his teeth in rage. Finally, with one last push and a collectively mighty shout, they managed to topple the brute, sending him crashing into a pile of rocks. Ah, ye fat lump, Kevin squealed, still holding that branch like a sword of bravery. We're having troll stew tonight. With the battle won, they proceeded to carve up the enormous troll, looking back bellyful bits for living soft scraps of courage back in Grenfinnan. And if that wasn't enough, the elves presented our heroes with a massive chest of mead, so much that it took both Kevin and Lance to heft it along as they sloshed their way back in. As they returned, flush with victory and copious amounts of mead, they couldn't help but laugh, collapse into heaps by the river, and toast to their ludicrous adventure. Here's to the troll meat. And next time, let's dive straight into a kilt fight instead. Lance bellowed, grinning like a madman. So remember ye daft yeomanry, if ye ever find yourself in trouble, think of Kevin and Lance. The king's a cock-up. And if anyone asks, trust the elves. Having a wee drink with a packworm can save your arse from the trolls of the world. Don't forget to like and subscribe to this nonsense, ye bunch of rotten sea sponges. See you next time.