🧙✨ Meet The Wizard ✨🧙

Transcription:

Ah, settle yersel' doon, ye curious bastard, fer this is nae tale fer the faint-hearted. What ye’re aboot tae dive intae is the beginnin' o' somethin’ far bigger than ye could ever imagine. It starts wi' two eejits—Kevin an' Lance—blunderin’ through life like a couple o' drunk midgies at a ceilidh. But fate has a funny way o’ findin’ folk when they’re least expectin' it. One day, deep in the wilds, they stumble upon somethin’ ancient, somethin’ powerful, somethin’ that'll change their daft wee lives forever. What awaits them beyond that fateful moment? Nae one knows. Magic? Danger? Madness? Probably all three, if ye ken these two well enough. This is nae just a story. It’s the openin’ chapter o’ an adventure that’ll drag Kevin an' Lance intae a world o' mystery, filled wi' forces far beyond their control. Whether they rise tae the occasion or fall flat on their arses, well… that’s fer ye tae find oot. Hold tight, ye’re aboot tae be taken on a journey where nothin’ is as it seems. An' Kevin an’ Lance? They’ve nae idea what’s comin' their way. So, there they were, Kevin an’ Lance, tumblin’ doon a hill faster than two drunks on roller skates. They crashed intae a cave, an’ instead o’ crawlin’ back up like normal folk, they decided tae wander deeper, ‘cause why not? They had the sense o' a soggy mop. "Ye hear that?" Lance whispered, as if his whispering was any quieter than a bullhorn. "Nae," Kevin snapped, "stop bein’ a shitebag an’ keep walkin'." As they ventured deeper, the walls began tae glow with strange markings—swirls, stars, an’ symbols they couldnae make heads nor tails of. Suddenly, a voice rang oot, low an' ominous: "WHO DARES DISTURB THE GREAT MAGUS MAGINNIS MACBAGGINIS?" The voice echoed like a thunderclap, nearly knockin' Kevin’s bunnet aff. An’ before their daft faces, a figure appeared, clad in robes woven wi' silver an' gold, a beard so long it could’ve been a scarf. "I’m Maginnis MacBagginis, master o' potions, lord o’ spells, an' the one who’ll decide whether ye leave here wi’ yer arses intact or fried!" "Aye, aye," Kevin said, tryin’ tae sound brave, "we’re nae lookin’ for trouble, Maginnis... MacBagginis...eh...sir." Lance nodded like a bobblehead. "Aye, whit he said." Maginnis narrowed his eyes, like he was decidin’ if they were worth his time or if he should turn them intae puddles o' goo. But then, his expression softened intae a grin—though it wis the kind o’ grin ye see on a cat right before it pounces on a mouse. "Perhaps... ye two could help me after all," the wizard said, strokin' his majestic beard. "I’ve been craftin’ a potion so powerful it could change the very fabric o' magic. But tae complete it, I need seven rare ingredients, each frae a different land. The journey will nae be easy, an’ the rewards might just kill ye." Kevin an’ Lance, of course, bein' the clueless idiots they were, smiled like this was an invitation tae a blootered weekend in Inverness. "Tell us what ye need, and we’ll dae it!" Kevin puffed up his chest like a pigeon, feelin' a surge o’ bravery he’d soon regret. Maginnis flicked his wrist, an’ a magical map appeared in the air, shimmerin’ like starlight. "First," he began, "ye’ll need Solar Ember Blossoms, found only in the Fields o’ Firelight, under the burnin' heat o’ the Sun itself. But beware! The blossoms are guarded by the great Firehawk, a creature o' flame. Only those with strength an' courage can withstand its blaze." Lance swallowed hard. "Firehawk, ye say? Sounds... warm." "Aye, lad, but if ye’re nae quick, ye’ll be naught but ashes." Maginnis continued, pointin’ tae another spot on the map. "Next, ye’ll gae tae the Silver Mire, where the Moonvine Roots grow. They flourish under the pale light o' the Moon, but the swamp is haunted by the wraith o’ Lady Midnight, a ghost who weeps for her lost love. Only those wi' the heart tae face sorrow an’ loss will find their way through." Lance nudged Kevin. "Sounds like yer ex." "Shut up, Lance." The wizard pressed on. "After that, ye’ll travel tae the Misty Crags o’ Wyndmere, where the air is thick wi' secrets an’ shadows. There, ye’ll find Mercury's Fleetfoot Fern, but the path is treacherous, guarded by swift an’ clever wind spirits. Ye’ll need tae be quick, or they’ll trick ye intae wanderin’ the crags forever." Kevin cracked his knuckles. "Fast as lightnin’, me." "Aye, right," Maginnis muttered. "Then ye’ll head tae the Isle o' Eterna, where Venus’s Heartbloom grows. It’s a rare flower that only opens its petals tae those who know true love—an’ nae, I’m nae talkin’ about yer love fer whisky." Lance raised a brow. "Love, eh? Maybe I’ll charm it oot." Maginnis snorted. "The flower’s more likely tae bite yer face aff. Ye’ll have tae face the Sirens o’ the Isle, whose voices will tempt ye tae yer doom. Resist them, or ye’ll never return." "Right, resist the voices—got it," Kevin said, already lookin’ confused. Next, the wizard pointed tae the jagged peaks o' a mountain range. "In the Ruins o’ Redstone, ye’ll seek Mars’s Warspike, a plant that only grows where blood has been spilled in battle. But beware, the spirit o’ the Red Knight guards it, an’ he’ll challenge ye tae a duel tae prove yer worth." Lance gulped. "A duel? Can we...eh...pass on that one?" "Ye can try," Maginnis smirked, "but he’ll nae let ye go without a fight." Then he gestured tae the skies. "The penultimate task brings ye tae the Floating Citadel, where the rarest Jupiter’s Skyfruit grows, high above the clouds. But the Sky Serpent guards the fruit, an’ it tests all who dare tae reach it. Only those wi’ wisdom an’ vision will succeed." "Sky... what?" Kevin muttered, lookin’ utterly lost now. "Big feckin' snake, mate," Lance whispered helpfully. Maginnis’s face grew serious. "An’ finally... when ye’ve gathered all the other ingredients, ye’ll face yer greatest challenge—the search for the Soibin Faerie Caps. They grow deep within the Enchanted Vale, a hidden realm guarded by the Faerie Queen herself. It’s said the faeries will nae let ye leave unless ye solve their riddles an' prove yer cunning. Fail, an’ ye’ll be lost tae the faerie realm forever." Silence fell upon the cave, only broken by Lance’s nervous gulp. "Ah, so... basically," Kevin began, tryin' tae sound brave, "we’re either gonnae get burned, drowned, tempted, or eaten by a snake." "Aye," Maginnis replied, "an' that’s if yer lucky. But," he added, wi' a glint in his eye, "should ye succeed, ye’ll have earned somethin’ few mortals ever dae—the power o’ the ancients." Then the wizard handed each of them a talisman. "The Fox Talisman will guide ye through confusion. If ye’re lost, it’ll show the way. An' the Raven Talisman—use it only in the direst o' moments. It’ll carry ye away fae danger, but ye’ll owe the raven a debt—an’ trust me, ye’ll nae want tae know what that entails." Kevin an’ Lance stared at the talismans, lookin’ like two bairns handed the keys tae a toy shop. "We’re ready, Maginnis MacBagginis!" Kevin declared, grinnin’ like a fool. "Aye," Lance added, "we’ll fetch yer herbs an' dodge the big snake!" The wizard sighed, already regrettin’ his choice o’ heroes, but he waved them off anyway, watchin’ as the two idiots set aff on a journey that would either turn them intae legends—or leave them as footnotes in some tragic tale o’ disaster. An’ wi' that, their quest began—seven herbs, seven challenges, an’ more mayhem than even Kevin an' Lance could imagine. Whether they’d make it tae the end? Well, that’s a story for another time. If they survive long enough tae tell it... Ach, if ye made it this far, ye’ve clearly got a few screws loose yersel'! But ye’ve got taste, I'll give ye that. Now, before ye toddle aff, dae us a wee favour, eh? Hit that like button, give it a smack like ye would yer daft mate when he’s talkin’ nonsense, an’ don’t forget tae subscribe. Aye, subscribe, ye numpty! That way, ye’ll nae miss the next chapter o’ Kevin an' Lance’s idiotic adventures. There’s plenty more tae come—more magic, more madness, an' definitely more chaos. So stick aroond, keep laughin', an' we’ll see if these two fools survive the mess they've wandered intae. Slàinte!