Wee Kevin an’ Lance dive headfirst intae the blisterin’ Fields o’ Firelight, where they must face the fearsome Firehawk in their quest fer the Solar Ember Blossoms. Will they nab the flowers or get fried alive? Watch the flames fly in this latest episode o’ sheer madness!
* Released First Quarter Moon September 10th, 2024
Aye, let’s get ye up tae speed, since ye’ve got the attention span o’ a flea. Last time, Kevin an’ Lance, two eejits wi' nae sense, wandered intae a magic cave an’ found themselves face-to-face wi’ Maginnis MacBagginis, a wizard who should’ve known better than tae trust these clowns. He sent them off on a deadly quest tae fetch seven rare ingredients fer his almighty potion. First stop? The Solar Ember Blossoms, hidin' in the heart o' the scorchin' Fields o’ Firelight.
Now, ye’d think even these two fools would’ve backed aff when they learned a giant feathery firehawk wis guardin’ the blossoms, but nope. Kevin an’ Lance, wi' their usual level o’ wisdom (none), plunged headfirst intae the heat, where they had tae face down a beast made o’ flame an' fury.
So buckle in, ye numpty! Things are about tae get hot!
Kevin an’ Lance, freshly armed wi' talismans they barely understood, trekked through the scorchin' heat, sweat drippin’ doon their eejit faces. The Fields o’ Firelight were nae place fer fools, but here they were, smack in the middle o' it, like two lobsters boilin' in a pot.
“Are ye sure we’re goin’ the right way?” Lance asked, his ginger hair already startin' tae frizzle like burnt toast.
“Aye, stop whinin', ye knob,” Kevin snapped, checkin’ the magic map. "The Solar Ember Blossoms are dead ahead."
The ground beneath their feet sizzled wi' heat, the air shimmerin' like it was made o’ fire. The sun blazed high above, beatin' doon on them like a relentless tyrant. This wasnae just heat. This was the Sun at its most brutal—a test o' strength an' will. The very energy o’ the Sun pulsed through the land, demandin' courage, strength, an'—well—these two clowns had nae clue.
“There!” Kevin pointed, his eyes narrowin' against the blinding light. In the distance, they could see it—glowin' like molten gold in the middle o’ a burnin' field—the Solar Ember Blossoms. They shimmered wi' the very essence o’ the Sun, bright enough tae make ye blind if ye stared too long. Beautiful, aye, but deadly as hell.
Before they could tak' a step closer, a screech pierced the air, louder than a banshee wi' a megaphone. Lance jumped so high, ye’d think he’d tried tae take aff.
“The Firehawk!” Kevin muttered, barely hidin’ the tremble in his voice. “Maginnis said it guards the flowers...”
“Aye, he also said it’d roast us like a couple o’ chickens if we’re nae careful!” Lance added, tryin’ tae peer intae the sky, but the sun blinded him wi' its relentless glare.
Then they saw it—a massive shadow sweepin’ across the sky, wings spread wide, flames sparkin’ off its feathers. The Firehawk. It circled above like death on a wing, lookin’ fer a reason tae dive-bomb them straight tae hell.
Kevin, ever the brilliant tactician (and by brilliant, I mean thicker than a lead block), grabbed a rock an’ chucked it at the creature.
“What the feck are ye daein’, ye dafty?” Lance screeched, duckin' behind a boulder. “That thing’s made o’ fire! A rock’s nae gonnae dae shite!”
Sure enough, the Firehawk let oot a furious screech, an’ fireballs began tae rain doon from the sky like a fiery pissin' contest. Kevin an’ Lance scrambled fer cover, duckin’ an’ dodgin’ like their arses were on fire—which they nearly were.
The sun above beat doon harder, the very air hummin' wi' its energy. The lesson o’ the Sun wis clear—this wis a place fer those who could withstand the heat, literally an' figuratively. Courage an' power radiated from every inch o’ this place, an’ only the strong would survive.
“We need a plan!” Lance gasped, sweatin' buckets.
“Aye,” Kevin agreed, though his face showed nae sign o’ a plan emergin' from that thick skull o’ his. “The map... it said strength an’ courage would get us through. We need tae face it head-on.”
“Face it? Ye’ve lost yer bloody mind!” Lance shouted, his voice crackin' wi' panic. “It’s a hawk made o’ FIRE!”
But Kevin was nae listenin'. He looked doon at his Fox Talisman, rememberin’ what Maginnis had said. Confusion an' fear cloud the mind. When lost, the Fox shows the way.
He gripped the talisman tight an’ then shouted at the top o’ his lungs, “OY! YE BIG FEATHERY BASTARD!”
The Firehawk swooped lower, eyes like burnin’ coals lockin' onto him. Lance, hidin' like a coward, muttered, “This is it. He’s finally gone full eejit.”
Kevin stepped oot from behind the rock, arms wide, challengin' the creature. The Firehawk’s wings stretched wide as it plummeted tae earth, flames burstin' fae its tail feathers. Lance, terrified, peeked oot tae witness the inevitable roastin' o’ his mate.
But just as the Firehawk’s talons were aboot tae strike, Kevin pulled the Raven Talisman from his pocket. He crushed it in his fist, an’ wi' a roar, the magic within burst tae life. A massive black raven appeared, swoopin' doon fae the heavens like a shadow cuttin' through the light.
The Firehawk shrieked, caught off-guard, an’ collided wi’ the raven in a burst o’ sparks an' feathers. The two birds fought in a whirl o’ flame an' shadow, givin' Kevin an’ Lance the openin' they needed.
“Now! Grab the bloody flowers!” Kevin shouted, dashing forward like a man possessed.
Lance, though shaken, followed suit, hurtlin’ toward the Solar Ember Blossoms as the two giant birds continued their deadly dance above. The ground burned beneath their feet, but they pressed on, driven by some insane mixture o' panic an' adrenaline.
Kevin reached oot, graspin' the golden petals o' the first blossom, his hand burnin’ from the sheer heat. Lance followed, grabbin' the rest, their faces twisted in a mix o’ triumph an’ pain as the fire singed their skin.
Just as they ripped the last blossom frae the ground, the Firehawk screeched in fury, havin' finally broken free o' the raven. The creature’s eyes locked back on tae Kevin an' Lance, fury radiatin' from its very core.
But the Sun had taught its lesson—only those wi' courage could survive its domain. Kevin, now fueled wi’ the power o' his talisman, raised it high. The Firehawk hesitated, its fiery body flarin’ wi' rage, but it backed off, respectin’ the strength o' the talisman’s magic.
“We did it!” Lance gasped, clingin’ tae the blossoms like they were his first pint o' the night.
Kevin grinned, wipin’ sweat an’ soot frae his brow. “Aye, but it’s nae over yet. We’ve got tae get oot o’ here before it changes its mind!”
The Firehawk screeched one last time, its wings burstin' intae flames as it soared back up intae the sky, guardin’ its domain once more.
The two eejits, blistered an’ barely standin’, scrambled oot o' the fiery fields, clutchin’ their hard-won Solar Ember Blossoms.
But as they caught their breath, Maginnis’s words echoed in their minds. The next task loomed ominously ahead—the Silver Mire an’ the Moonvine Roots, where sorrow an' loss awaited. An’ if they thought the Sun’s challenge was tough, they were about tae learn the cold, cruel truth o' the Moon.
“Ach, if the Sun’s anythin’ tae go by,” Kevin muttered, “we’re properly fecked.”
Lance sighed, already imaginin' the shite they were about tae face. “Aye, but if we survive this, we’ll be legends.”
“Or corpses,” Kevin added.
An’ wi' that, they limped aff tae their next doom, nae closer tae bein’ legends, but certainly closer tae gettin’ their arses kicked once again.
Ach, ye survived another tale o’ Kevin an' Lance’s idiocy, did ye? Well, good fer you—ye’ve got thicker skin than I thought! But if ye think that’s the end, ye’re dafter than they are. There’s mair madness tae come, an’ ye ken it’s only gonnae get worse. Next stop? The haunted Silver Mire, where they’ll probably shite themselves tryin’ tae fetch those Moonvine Roots.
Now, dae yersel' a favour an’ hit that like button—go on, gie it a smack like ye would tae yer mate when he’s talkin’ shite. An’ don’t be a dafty, subscribe! Ye’ll nae want tae miss the next chapter o’ these clowns nearly gettin’ themselves killed. Stick aroond, laugh yer arse off, an’ let’s see if they make it oot alive.
Slàinte, ye bawbags!
* Please Excuse Wee Kevin's sometimes shoddy Pronounciation, he was born this way!