Transcription:
Ach, gather roond, ye daft numpties, fer another round o' nonsense featuring our two favourite eejits – Wee Kevin an' Lance! These two fancied themselves as hard workers one fine mornin' an' took a job diggin' ditches fer a wee bit o' extra coin. Aye, they dug away like they were tryin' tae mine fer diamonds, sweatin' like pigs an' makin' great progress, but their arms felt as sore as a baboon's backside by the time the sun hit high noon.
As they swung their shovels, makin' a right mess of the countryside, they stumbled upon some wee critter sittin' all smug-like in the muck. It was a bleedin' gigantic preyin' mantis, lookin' like it had just dipped its toes in a sci-fi flick. “What the hell is that, Lance?” Kevin squinted, his brain struggling frae the heat.
Before they could think much o' it, the mantis gave a wee twitch an’ morphed into a full-blown alien, wirin’ itself up like a rusted toaster! “Och, what the bloody muck?” Lance shouted, backpedalling ’til his arse hit the ground. The alien, all long legs and bulgin' eyes, grabbed them an' whisked them aboard its spaceship faster than ye can say “Slàinte”.
Inside, the place was brighter than a butcher's shop on a sunny day, and before they knew it, the alien crew started operatin' on them, entirely ignorin' the lads’ daft questions like, “What ye up to with that scalpel, mate?” or “Are we gettin' a discount on our next pint, or what?” They were cuttin’ out bits o’ their bodies like they were doin’ surgery on an old banger.
Finally, the lead mantis sent them some telepathic message through their empty noggins, “Ye’ve been chosen fer a DNA upgrade,” it said, like it wis gonna make them better off. “Blessed ye are, by the divine mantis experience!” they chuckled, with dreams of bein’ brainy new versions of themselves.
When they were finally dumped back in Glenfinnan, the lads couldnae have been more excited. They marched into town, expectin' folks tae treat them like genius overlords. But instead, it was more laughter an' mockery directed at them. Every attempt at bein' clever ended up in calamity; they’d managed to make themselves even dafter than before, if that was even possible!
“Aye, brilliant wee upgrade,” Kevin muttered, scratchin’ his heid as he stepped in a puddle, splashin’ mud up his leg. “Wha’ were they thinkin’?”
The mantis, floatin' in their heads, reassured them, “This eejitry is part of yer human experiment! Ye’ll learn, someday, to embrace yer daftness as a badge of honour!”
Unbelievable, lads, right? As if their lives weren’t already a comedy skit. Lance turned to Kevin, wavin’ his arms. “Maybe one day we’ll get to whoop it up in the fifth dimension wi’ the mantises!” he exclaimed as he tripped over his own feet, sending him arse over tit again.
An’ so, the saga of Kevin an' Lance continues, makin’ a right mess wherever they go, now with a brand-new layer of absurdity! Ye'd half expect them to start a new madness on the streets o’ Glenfinnan, wonderin’ when somethin’ intelligent will pop into their thick skulls.
- - - - - - - So remember, ye daft sods, like an’ subscribe, or ye’ll end up stuck in the fifth dimension wi’ these two glorious eejits!
* Please Excuse Wee Kevin's sometimes shoddy Pronounciation, he was born this way!
